STAY OR GO?

FROM DEBBIE:

A beautiful morning on the red couch. The Tarot cards we pulled this morning seemed right on target for both of us. My VII of Swords, a woman bound and blindfolded. Seemingly stuck and hopeless. But the water at her feet and the relative looseness of her bonds suggests she needs to simply remove her blindfold and allow her intuition and creativity to guide her way out of the stuckness. 

Yesterday I felt stuck. My seasonal allergies finally took hold of me.  No energy. Mild, but persistent symptoms. A sense that Steve and I are stuck in a cancer-care loop that feels never ending. (Ahhh, I just felt the inner-smile of remembering the joy of watching The Neverending Story with my kids when they were very young. Nice) 

Steve, pulling the same card, the VIII of cups, two days in a row was pretty amazing. Begging the question, “Do I stay or do I go?”  Hence, this morning’s writing prompt. 

It’s hard to allow a creative and fluid response to this question. Much of the time it feels like cancer treatment is the only question. 

Hah!!! That’s my blindfold. Take off your blindfold Debbie !!

Other questions might be:

• Should I release our hold on the house in LaVillita?
• Should we go ahead and replace the deck?
• Where should we go with the L’il Guy?
• Should we sell Sprague?
• Should I make painting a barn quilt a priority?
• Why don’t I say let’s just re-do the bathroom at Sadie’s?
• Heck, why don’t we just re-do the bathrooms at Sadie’s and the farmhouse?

I could go on and on. The thing is to allow ourselves to open our hearts to all of the questions. 

So, should we stay close to home? 

Should we continue to explore our inner and outer worlds in new ways?  New places?

Seems to me that if I am free to go I am also free to be here.

I think the biggest take-away from our cards this morning is this:

Why do I let the only question, or at least the biggest question be the response/reaction to cancer?

This is good to ponder.  So I will.

In this moment, I am grateful, I am content, I am well. I am filled with loving kindness…all as we sit here on this lovely couch, in this gentle sunlight, sipping fresh, hot coffee…close enough to reach out and touch hands. 

Today is a good day. 

FROM STEVE:

Sometimes life is not fun.

The bigger picture is realizing that along with suffering there is also an opportunity for joy. Here in Western culture we are so focused on throwing solutions at problems. Since most of our problems are delusional it’s important to tease-out what is truly problematic. 

We live in a maelstrom of emotional and spiritual turmoil that seems to be out there in the sphere of culture or politics, but is really much deeper than that. Our fight or flight response connects to the internet where we meet other souls operating out of the same fears. We imagine that the internet has connected humanity when really it has flattened our consciousness, often to the lowest common denominator. We can justify genocide, war, killing, scapegoating and hating. In this maelstrom of chaos we hope for a hero…but as poet Michael Meade says, It’s way too complex for one hero to conquer.  

Years ago, kinda disgusted with life, I drove down to the coast and bought a 25-foot Catalina sailboat anchored in the tiny sailing town of Oriental. It was $5,000. Or as we joked, a dollar a pound.  I was upset with the way life was treating me. Debbie was sick. Culture and Politics were intolerable and some personal relationships were a challenge. 

That beautiful boat which we named Bella Blue became our getaway and our healing. Since neither of us were sailors we mostly stayed tied to the dock in a lovely anchorage along the water. We toasted bagels with cream cheese and lived a simple life. We wrote about our dreams, talked and cooked one pot meals on a two burner electric grill. We watched birds and were mesmerized by the light moving across the water. We found our gifts in those peaceful waters.  

On the rare occasions we took the boat out of our harbor it was a 50-50 guess how we would return. Under our own sail or being towed. We got to know the guys from Towboat USA really well!

I got a jumpstart on this latest version of cultural chaos by getting sick with a disease that has no cure. I found that even when life is horrific and our bodies betray us, it is actually a great time for healing and reflection. A chance to tune into inner wisdom and listen to what’s really important. My Cancer has no cure …..you beat it and it comes back or you beat it and you live in fear that it will come back. The only choice is to transcend the body and the body sensations and then take what is offered. For me that is to live each day well from the inside out. To be at peace with the world and in touch with what I enjoy and do well in service to the world. 

For me It was a new way of looking at life… I was looking for joy 

Scottie Scheffler,  the number one golfer in the world reflected on his experience around winning lots of tournaments. He said the high lasted a short time, maybe a couple of hours, and then he went back to daily life. He hugged his wife and held his baby… the baby was crying and his wife  was ready for a nice, quiet dinner together. 

Joy is a different matter.  Joy is different from “winning”. And finding joy is our challenge. I have my ways, you will find yours. Mostly it’s about finding our giftedness in the world. 

Right now, the world we’re all living in is like a pot that has been stirred. The demons are out of the bag. Our greatest hope is Joy. 

Inside our joy is Service and Connection. If we are to survive we must join together in our greatest joy and our greatest service. 

For you it could be crocheting or needlepoint or ping-pong or cleaning house ot weeding or sitting by the fire…… or maybe even buying a sailboat and never sailing out to sea. 

We will not solve the problems of humanity without connecting to our inner wisdom. 

ANOTHER ENTRY FROM DEBBIE:

I’ve come to Sadie’s Place for two nights on my own. I wanted to re-stock for AirB&B guests and also enjoy the Fall colors before they up and float away. I do love it here. Some alone time is restorative, and also a bit lonely. Lonely isn’t necessarily bad and it can be informative. 

A couple weeks ago Steve and I were in a tough place with treatment schedules and what felt like one little irritation after another. We were both suffering. He became more interior, less emotionally available. I became impatient and reactive. After a few spiffs we took a break…meaning I got in my car and screamed/cried my way to Pittsboro and back (a great release). He did some writing, trying to find ways he could become more present and communicative. 

While alone at Sadie’s I had the time and space to learn two important things about myself.  Both helped me feel excited about finding our way back to one another. 

The first was the realization that an early childhood experience was very much alive in my body memory. The 9-year-old body memory was pushing and pulling this 71-year-old around!  I have done plenty of therapy, writing, healing around this woundedness. But here’s the thing; my little 9-year-old self is still part of me. Not all of me, but definitely part of me. When I told Steve about this realization he listened carefully, thoughtfully. And we planned together how to respond. 

The second realization is the one that has really deepened our connection in these past few weeks. 

I said “Steve, we have important roles. Both of us are caregivers. I am the caregiver most people think of…making you the recipient of my care. But you are also a caregiver. You have cared for and loved me for years. And continue to do so now, especially now.”

So yes, one of our prominent roles is Caregiver. But here’s what I needed to feel, believe, practice, receive…

You are my beloved. 

I am your beloved. 

We can’t live fully in our relationship when our lens is too narrowly focused.

Everyday I make sure I look across the room, across the yard, or where he’s sitting in the doctors office and see my beloved. 

It is a privilege to be a trusted caregiver. 

It is a unique blessing to spend each day with my beloved.